The Money Shot – our pitch for Merv’s big gig

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WANTED - One highly motivated self-starter. Must have intelligence, integrity, independence
"Merv's £305,368 annual stipend seems rather a lot for a job which basically entails saying 'base rate held at 0.5%' every month"
  • | by Kristian Dando

It’s not bad work being an irreverent and occasionally amusing weekly personal finance bulletin. Sure, laboriously knitting together non-sequitur, pop-culture zings and turgid financial news fodder might seem glamorous and sexy, but lately, the Money Shot has been thinking what Sheryl Crowe once warbled - that a change might do us good.

Alas, in this challenging economic climate opportunities are thin and far between. So the Money Shot was all ears when it was announced that the top gig at the Bank of England was up for grabs.

Mervyn ‘The King’ King, who’s been in the hot seat for 10 years, will be stepping aside to allow a young buck to take the rudder of the UK’s economy and steer it through choppy fiscal waters. And the Money Shot reckons it might well be the man for the job.

The Mervmeister general is currently on a handsome annual stipend of £305,368 a year, which seems rather a lot for a job which basically entails saying “base rate held at 0.5%” every month. And his successor is due to be on even more. We can think of plenty we could do with that sort of wedge.

Apparently, George Osborne and David Cameron (who’ll be interviewing the applicants) are looking for candidates with ‘intelligence, integrity and independence’, ’a trio of adjectives oddly reminiscent of four-time WWE champion Kurt Angle’s ‘intelligence, integrity and intensity’ philosophy.

While the three ‘i’s’ that the Money Shot is usually tarred with by its superiors are ‘inconsistent, inane and imbecilic’, it thinks that its credentials stack up. Just take a look at some of these career highlights…

1989 – Turned a £10-a-week tuck-shop deficit into £5 PROFIT by adding a 2p levy on pickled onion Space Raiders and switching to cheaper – but no less delicious – Crawfords chocolate digestives in place of the more expensive McVitie’s variety.

1994 – Ran a LUCRATIVE playground ‘swap shop’ for collectors of Panini USA ’94 World Cup Stickers, imposing a 5p handling fee on standard items (rising to 10p for ‘shinies’). Allowed many pupils to rid themselves of doubles and complete a full book. Invested proceeds in a pair of Adidas Predator football boots, sadly stolen by Basher Barnes and fifth- form cronies and thrown in the river, much to their mirth.

2005 – Implemented SIGNIFICANT cost-cutting measures at 13 Gwendoline Terrace student house share by introducing (and rigorously policing) a ‘three- sheets only’ toilet paper quota.

Of course, the corridors of power might chatter with questions of what’s to be done with this thrusting young maverick with his brightly coloured pantaloons, highfalutin speech and ‘gangsta rap’ records. But the Money Shot thinks it could come in and shake things up a bit. Dave, George – you know where I am.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Lloyds has scooped the dubious honour of being Britain’s most complained-about bank. The snappily- titled Financial Ombudsman Service reckons they’ve had three times as many customers complain about the taxpayer-buttressed bank  as about the next worst performer, RBS, since January this year.

The new gaffer at Barclays, Sir David Walker, says it’ll take up to three years to turn around the almighty mess the bank found itself in after the multitude of scandals this year. He also reckons that he’ll shake up the dubious culture at the heart of the bank.

Six out of 10 people reckon that being able to take account numbers with them when they switched bank would make them more willing to give their own current account provider the heave-ho, according to Which?
Death – it’s not as cheap as it used to be. A funeral is now 71% more expensive that it was in 2004.

1.7 million Brits went cruising last year.

The Association of British Insurers claims to have prevented a billion quid’s worth of bogus claims in 2011.

ON COVERED MAG THIS WEEK

Daniel Bevis donned a Global Hypercolour t-shirt, cranked the Prodigy’s ‘Experience’ to full blast and had a look at some of the best hot hatches the 1990s had to offer.

Drivers aren’t really that bothered about heated seats.

“How should you teach your kids about money?” pondered Felicity Hannah.

AND FINALLY

Police in Kuala Lumpur have disrupted the activities of a car wash which offered a rather unorthodox incentive for return trade.

The firm rewarded customers who’d brought their cars to be washed nine times over a set period with…full sexual intercourse. The business, which also offered its ‘services’ to non-motorists, was immediately shut down by the Malaysian fuzz.

The police raid found evidence on the premises including condoms stashed in a microwave, which brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘burning rubber’.

To play us out, here’s Rose Royce with her 1976 disco banger ‘Car Wash’.

Join us NEXT WEEK for another THRILLING installment of THE MONEY SHOT