The Money Shot - flatpack nightmares

A man stuck in some flatpack furniture, looking flummoxed.
This wasn't how Keith hoped he'd spend the bank holiday weekend
  • | by Kristian Dando

In lines they trudge, tired and hungry. Once proud men reduced to mere husks, their bodies and spirits are broken.

On they march, with no pause for respite. The only glimmer of hope they cling to is the possibility of escape, eventually being released or….the prospect of some cheap meatballs?

Indeed, while the demeanour of your average gentleman being traipsed around Scandinavian furniture emporium Ikea of a weekend is akin to that of somebody forced into a lifetime of hard labour at the gulags, an altogether more sinister and real prospect of a link between the Swedish flatpack specialist and communist labour camps reared its ugly head this week.

It turns out that there is a possibility that the firm benefited from enforced labour during the 60s and 70s in communist East Germany, which sort of puts a damper on those cheap-to-buy-but-fiendish-to-assemble Billy bookcases.

Of course, Ikea honcho Ingmar Kamprvrad is a well-known cheapskate – he recently scrimped and saved his way into our very own rundown of the ten greatest tightwads in history – but even the Money Shot choked on its Coco Pops when these accusations started flying around.

Of course, the firm has outright denied these rumours, and has commissioned Ernst & Young - not a pair of maverick detectives who bend the rules but get results, but a rather more prosaic 'professional services firm' -  to look into the matter. But if it is found to have given contracts to prisoner camps, then victims can expect compensation in return.

The Money Shot is left to wonder if it will be receiving any cheques with a Swedish stamp in the post, given the amount of bank holiday afternoons it has spent assembling flatpack furniture against its will.

NEWS IN BRIEF

The parent company of British Gas, Centrica, has  announced whopping great annual profits of around a billion pounds on the day that it’s previously-announced price rises for millions of customers came into force.

Speaking of wholesale fuel prices, garages have been ‘slammed’ for not passing on the savings made in wholesale costs to customers as quickly as they fall.

Bank of England top dog Mervyn King has warned of a ‘triple dip’ recession in the offing.

The Lincolnshire town of Stamford might have quite a lot of nice old buildings, but it’s rubbish for broadband: a road there has received the dubious honour of being home to Britain’s slowest broadband – a positively snail-like 0.132 megabytes per second.

ON COVERED MAG THIS WEEK

Christmas is for giving, this much is true. But Jon Severs has a few bright ideas of how to generate some money over the festive period.

It’s getting a bit chilly, so Kristian Dando offered up this selection of advice on getting your car ready for winter.

There was this bit on the aforementioned energy wholesale hoo-ha, the biggest gas-related debacle Uncle Nigel's performance after Christmas lunch last year.

AND FINALLY

‘Movember’ may be quite a jape for more virile men, but for the Money Shot, it’s an annual reminder of it’s own pathetic inability to cultivate facial fuzz.

You can imagine how it felt then, when news filtered through of a 13 year old boy being told that he wasn’t allowed to sport a luxurious charity ‘tache by his school.

School officials from the Priory Academy in Bedfordshire told hirsute pupil Gus Hooker that he couldn’t grow a Movember tache as other pupils couldn’t do the same and that it was unsuitable for a “co-educational school with young children.”

Gus said: 'I just wanted to show off my moustache .A boy a couple of years below me came up to me once and told me that the one thing he had heard about this school before he came here was my facial hair,” he said, as the Money Shot sobbed and waited for the onset of adolescence.