Last year, barely a day went by without some talk of an enormous, world-threatening disaster brewing in the ‘Eurozone’, mostly revolving around the stricken Greek economy and the increasingly tedious ‘will-they-or-won’t-they’ saga regarding their exit from the single currency.
While talk has subsided of Greece taking its leave of the Euro, the top brass who make these sorts of decisions have decided to put an image of a Hellenic goddess – Europa, fittingly enough – on the new series of five Euro notes.
As far as passive-aggressive ways of saying “Look, you’re going NOWHERE ”, you can’t really get much more effective. It’s the monetary equivalent of presenting a girl (or boy) that you’ve dated briefly with an enormous blown-up picture of the two of you in a gold heart-shaped picture frame with the word ‘FOREVER’ inscribed underneath it, just as she’s having second thoughts as to whether she can put up with your heavy breathing, questionable table manners, terrible fashion slacks and musky odour. Oh, that’s just us then.
But Europa does seem a slightly strange choice of somebody to put on a bank note, what with her, er, bovine predilections.
Legend has it that Zeus - the god of thunder and self-proclaimed ‘final boss’ of Greek mythology – visited Europa, when she was still just a Phoenician woman of high-linage in the form of a bull. He then promptly went about seducing her, presumably setting the mood with a bouzouki-led rendition of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’. Surely there might have been more suitable choices for the first face to ever feature on the currency?
Well, The Money Shot has slipped into its best international diplomacy trousers and ‘mocked up’ a few alternative faces for the Euro. Behold!
ANTOINE DE CAUNES
Smooth, sophisticated, sexy…and French. Cheeky chappy Antoine showed us prudish Brits the saucy underbelly of Europe on Channel 4’s long-running show Eurotrash, and already has an ‘in’ to continental corridors of power – he once had Carla Bruni, other half of form French president Nicolas Sarkozy on the show.
Famous Belgians are notoriously few and far between. Luxuriously coiffed Everton footballer Mauro Fellani's voluminous barnet wouldn’t fit on a bank note, so we’ve plumped for Hercule Poirot instead.
The 'troubled' European currency might do well to harness a bit of Silvio’s unsinkable spirit. Despite all manner of damaging scandals – from ‘Bunga Bunga’ parties to his financial affairs - septuagenarian Silvio has started 2013 on a high, with a mooted return to the political arena and an engagement to a 27-year old lady.
'The Doc' might hail from Sweden, which isn’t in the Eurozone, but he certainly did a good job of uniting Europe - in the disco, at any rate - with hits like ‘It’s My Life’. A true European icon.
“Europe, endless,” marvelled Ralf on Kraftwerk’s 1977 paean to cross-continental travel, ‘Europe Endless'.
What with being a keen advocate of the whole Europe 'thing' and being the driving force behind the one of the Money Shot's favourite musical troupes, Hutter is quite clearly one of the greatest living Europeans, so why not stick him on the note?
Who do YOU reckon should adorn the new Euro notes? Ping your sugestions to firstname.lastname@example.org or 'hit' us 'up' on Twitter.
SHORT CHANGE – THE WEEK’S MONEY NEWS IN BRIEF
With Les Miserables about to come out at the pictures, rumours abound that it’s all going to go 'a bit Revolutionary France' at RBS with heads “set to roll” on account of some Libor-rigging unpleasantness.
Bankruptcy-filing chanteuse Kerry Katona – late of Atomic Kitten and the Iceland adverts – is the new face of payday loan merchant Cashlady. We’re not saying any more on the matter, but you can go and read regular Covered mag contributor Felicity Hannah’s mighty diatribe on the subject over on MSN Social Voices.
The Financial Ombudsman has seen a sharp rise in the amount of complaints regarding pet insurance. It’s a doggone nuisance! etc.
Talk is afoot regarding bringing well-to-do pensioners out of the Winter Fuel Allowance scheme, as critics say that they’ve got more than enough to pay for their own gas and electricity.
Icy weather – it’s on its way, for three weeks apparently. The last time Britain had this much exposure to Snow was in 1993, when ‘Informer’ was riding high in the hit parade.
Councils in England made a whopping £411m in parking changes last year – an increase of nearly 15%, according to research by the Institute of Advanced Motorists.
ON COVERED MAG THIS WEEK
Fancy a classic car but don't want to lumber yourself with an expensive money pit? Step this way and let Daniel Bevis show you how to stand in good stead of snagging a bargain.
“What’s cooler than being cool?” asked Andre 3000 in Outkast’s 2003 hit ‘Hey Ya!’ “Ice Cold!” was the response. But that was then, and this is now, and the correct answer is in fact “thriftiness.”
We mulled over what the mortgage market has in store for it over the course of 2013.
Last-minute holidays needn’t mean a lousy week in a two-star Torremilinos flea-pit: Rachel England shows you how to snag yourself a belting deal by running down the clock. Just don’t forget your travel insurance.
Residents of the Lincolnshire seaside town of Skegness are being put off visiting a local site of special scientific interest on account of over-amorous locals using it for the practice commonly referred to as ‘dogging’.
Keen ‘doggers’, as they are known in the trade, have been congregating on the Seacroft Dunes – sometimes during daylight hours – committing lewd acts, shouting abuse at passers-by who happen to catch them 'at it', and worrying dog walkers.
“I call the police, they come out to the house and get me to fill in a form and questionnaire and promise to keep me posted, and then they [the doggers] are back a few days later and doing it all over again,” a resident told local organ The Skegness Standard. “The men haven’t even got the brains to try to hide away further in the bushes!”
A representative from the Lincolnshire Doggers' Alliance (we imagine) declined to comment.