The Money Shot - The Recession: my part in its downfall

A relieved George Osborne, yesterday
"Economic growth looks as flat as the Norfolk Broads, so you can leave the champagne and triumphalism alone for just a minute"
  • | by Kristian Dando

Phew. We got worried for a minute. It was touch and go for a while, but the UK has avoided lurching into the third tedious, spirit-sapping instalment of the long-running saga known as The Recession. Lord have mercy!

Mind you, it was only by a shrew’s whisker.

*The Money Shot produces patented Covered mag enormous novelty calculator and tots up figures*

Another, ooh, 0.6% in the other direction and we’d have been up to our necks in economic nastiness once again.

It must also be cautioned that Britain’s economic growth looks as flat as the Norfolk Broads at 0.3% - so you can leave the champagne and triumphalism alone for just a minute. Manufacturing, exporting and construction – those fabled engines of growth - are still in the doldrums.

That said, the diverse ‘service economy’ - which comprises of everything from teachers, accountants (more on them in a bit), supermarket shelf-stackers, hotel porters, strippers and vaguely amusing weekly personal finance features published by a leading comparison website - has played a blinder. It expanded at twice the rate of the wider economy, at a positively trouser-bursting 0.6%.

The Money Shot can now proudly tell anyone who’ll listen about its key role in digging the UK economy out of the mire. You’re welcome.

To celebrate, the Money Shot spent a few painstaking hours knocking up one of its famous ‘Info Graphics’. Behold! (Click to expand)

Amazing recession infographic

Note the spike in economic growth when Covered mag launched. Coincidence? The Money Shot thinks not.

SHORT CHANGE – THE WEEK’S MONEY NEWS IN BRIEF

MPs have demanded a ban on external accountants working inside government, because they reckon they’re divulging tax loopholes to companies and individuals.

First Utility caused untold numbers of customers to splutter into their cornflakes when letters informing them of 18.6% price rises in gas and electricity landed on their doormats this week.

Claims have been made by the trade union Unison that the water industry is ‘out of control’.

Shareholders at Barclays have lambasted the bank at its AGM, calling out the board for being “greedy b*******.”

ON COVERED MAG THIS WEEK

The quarterly AA Insurance Premium Index revealed that the average price of an annual car insurance policy is 4.1% cheaper than it was at the same time last year.

Kristian Dando pondered the future of choice in high street banking after ‘Project Verite’ fell through.

Most folk reckon speed cameras are there to make the police money, said a survey.

Talking about speed, Graham Thomas met the young racing driver who proves that, in order to get ahead in the game, your sales skills need to be as sharp as your cornering.

There was this bit on the incredible Renault Twizy F1.

AND FINALLY

Virgin Atlantic has launched a new service whereby passengers can use a digital seat map to send drinks to someone who takes their eye.

They can even follow up their token of affection with a cheeky personal message, lending a whole new meaning to the phrase “cruising at 30,000ft”.

To help passengers along their way, Virgin boss Richard Branson has posted a video disclosing his secrets of ‘getting lucky’.

In light of this, the Money Shot reckons Dickie was a bit premature when he sold his popular prophylactic brand Mates back in the ‘90s. Now there’s an opportunity for a bit of lucrative cross-selling. Just wait until Michael O’Leary gets wind of it…

Join us NEXT WEEK for another THRILLING instalment of THE MONEY SHOT.