Dr Moore-Money’s home improvement clinic

Image of a shirtless Moore-Money
Big tool: Dr Moore-Money hard at work
"leaving your beloved in the house with nothing but a great big electrically powered tool for company every weekend is a recipe for an unfulfilled relationship"
  • | by Kristian Dando

What’s that noise? A sort of rhythmic thudding and grunting?

Why, it’s Dr Moore-Money, of course!

He’s hard at work at Moore-Money Heights - shirtless, glistening with a sweaty sheen, emitting a masculine, powerful (though not unpleasant) musk - gamely taking his sledgehammer to a back wall.

With home matters on his mind, the Doc thought it might be a good idea to answer some of your domestic improvement issues this month… so here we go.

Dear Dr Moore-Money,

I’ve just shacked up with a new lady. Things are going swimmingly. Or should I say, were.

This coming August bank holiday she’s pencilled me in for a weekend of hard drilling and hammering in the house – she’s got plenty that wants seeing to, and if I don’t oblige, I’ll be in the doghouse for sure.

Image of a couple fighting with paint

But I’ve got my mind on something else.

Namely, a big weekend with the boys at our local CAMRA beer festival, soaking up the last of the summer sun - not to mention a few foaming pints of best bitter!

Any ideas on what I can do?

Tim, Magor

Dear Tim,

It’s not surprising that after you’ve started co-habiting, your partner might want to spend a few weekends together – and why not?

And just because you’re sharing a living space doesn’t mean that you have to put the brakes on your social life.

Image of foaming brown ale

Like all relationships, you need a degree of compromise.

Of course, you need space for ‘bloke time’.

But equally, leaving your beloved in the house with nothing but a great big electrically powered tool for company every weekend is a recipe for an unfulfilled relationship – for both of you!

Happy couple doing DIY

Why not suggest a morning of hearty activity indoors – perhaps get her interest piqued with the prospect of a rough sanding?

Then, when you’re both tuckered out why not suggest that she join you and you compadres for a scoop or two? Or perhaps that you continue your marathon screwing sesh the next day?

After all, DIY is thirsty work!

M-M

Dear Dr Moore-Money,

I’m aghast.

I arrived home the other day to a shocking sight. The entire place was upturned and in a right old state.

Then the tell-tale sign - a plasterer's radio.

Image of a plasterer's radio

Unbeknownst to me, the missus had invited some men round, and they’d made a right ruddy mess.

And the worst part was, she gleefully egged them on, even going as far as offering them cups of tea and bourbon biscuits while they were on the job.

Now the place is a complete state, I’m going to have to clean it up – but I’m worried our Axminster has been ruined as a result of their messy indiscretions.

Any ideas on what do to?

Jeff, Torbay

Dear Jeff,

Oh dear – it really does sound as if these plasterers have been quite the mucky pups.

Your first port of call should be with them – their public liability insurance should cover for anything they’ve done wrong.

It sounds as if you’re on the right side here. But if they don’t have cover - in which case I suspect they might be cowboys - then you may have to pursue them through the small claims court.

Image of plasterers

It might be worth talking to your home insurer too to see if you have cover for this sort of damage.

Thankfully, plastering is merely a cosmetic improvement, and your insurer doesn’t usually need to be notified before you get started.

If it were something a little heftier – knocking down a load-bearing wall or an extension - then they’d have to be notified in advance to make sure you’re still covered, and if not, you could invalidate a claim.

Good luck with the Axminster!

M-M

Dear Dr Moore-Money,

I’m having some real issues with damp patches at the moment – it’s becoming quite a headache.

Image of a party enjoying dinner

In fact, the other day, it really put a dampener – so to speak – on one of my famous candle-lit suppers.

A few top faces of the local Rotary Club were in attendance, not to mention some leading lights from the twinning committee – it was quite the occasion.

The lights were dimmed, the conversation and drinks were flowing freely, my cheese hedgehog was going down a storm. Everyone was having a rare old time.

I’d noticed a few patches in the week, and I was hoping the sympathetic lighting would do its best to cover them.

“Agatha!” blurted Mildred, a busybody from the local parish council. “What in heavens is THAT!”Image of a cheese hedgehog

She gestured to the patch. A few titters broke out. I hung my head in embarrassment.

As I attended the parish coffee morning that following Thursday, a hush broke out as I entered.

I’m sure now that my seeping walls are the talk of the village.

What can I do to address the situation?

Agatha, Goodrich

Dearest Agatha,

It’s not uncommon to encounter issues such as this, particularly in old properties.

Pardon me if I’m being impertinent, but have you checked your gutters?

Only the issue is often caused by a blockage – old dead leaves, for instance – or damage.

Image of damp patches

However, once you’ve addressed the drainage and the patches are still sticking around, then you might need to consult a damp specialist to find the root cause.

This might be expensive, but it should put a stop to your damp scenario once and for all, not to mention making the place potentially more attractive to future buyers.

M-M

Join us next time for another wall-smashing edition of the clinic. Until then, send us your letters

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